


The Coup

by elevatordancer



Series: The 5 Times Shepard Nearly Died, and the 1 Time He Didn't. [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Sex, Angst, Biotics, Citadel Coup, Kaidan can't make up his mind on relationships, Kaidan has a lot of feelings, Kaidan makes an oopsie, M/M, Romance, mShenko, seriously author has too much fun with biotics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-22
Updated: 2013-05-28
Packaged: 2017-12-12 14:18:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/812522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elevatordancer/pseuds/elevatordancer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As Cerberus flooded the Citadel and the councilors looked to him for protection, Kaidan could only think of one thing: how much he wanted Shepard to be there.  He got his wish, but it was far from what he wanted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Kaidan had never liked elevators. Too closed-in, too vulnerable. Power conduits could be fried, cables could be cut. No cover. No room to maneuver. Tactical disadvantage. The elevators may have been the fastest way out of this hellhole, but he was quickly coming to regret his decision to use them. 

The sound of gunfire echoed around them, screams of panic and terror fading away as quickly as they sounded. Kaidan barely kept himself from reaching for his pistol, straining to hear any noises that stood out against the chaos. Councilor Tevos shifted next to him and Kaidan saw her turn to give Councilor Sparatus a meaningful glance. Flexing his fingers, Kaidan shifted his stance; all they had to do was make it to the shuttle pad and they could be out of this mess. 

All he had to do was-, a loud metallic bang tore Kaidan from his scattered thoughts. His eyes shot upwards as the sound shifted across the ceiling of the lift. 

“That was a person,” Tevos stated with conviction, shifting her gaze from Kaidan to the roof in concern. 

Kaidan’s mind was racing, his priority was keeping the councilors safe and with Cerberus running amok all over the station he couldn’t take any chances. “Gunman,” he snapped, flinging out his left hand, pushing Tevos into Sparatus and away from the center of the lift while snatching his gun from his hip and bringing it up. “Get down.” 

His first shot was placed at random but the next three followed the wild scraping as the assassin scrambled to the left. He felt the lift come to a stop and heard the doors slide open. “Go!” he shouted, keeping his gun trained on the ceiling as he reached out a hand to Tevos and Sparatus, gesturing for them to follow Udina as he ran down the corridor. 

Kaidan held his aim steady on the empty space as he backed out of the elevator, following the councilors’ fading footsteps. He figured he had enough time to get to the shuttle before the assassin got through the panels on the roof and turned, sprinting after the councilors. He heard the panel fall to the ground with a crash as he passed through the doorway leading to the shuttle pad. 

The sight of the Kodiak in flames made him freeze. _Fuck_. His mind raced for a solution, but came up lacking. _God dammit, I wish Shepard were here._ But he pushed the thought away. “Cerberus took out the shuttle,” he called as the councilors turned back to him. “Everybody back to the elevator!” he shouted, turning around. “Move!” 

His eyes caught movement at the door and his heart leapt into his throat. He brought his gun up, preparing to fire. He paused at the sight of two figures in dark armor-- _not Cerberus, then_ \--moving through the doorway. He watched, finger tense on the trigger of his pistol, as the dark skinned human sidestepped to the door control, activating his omni-tool. _They’re blocking our only way out of this mess!_ His arms braced and his finger danced over the trigger, ready to take the shot. The third figure to advance through the doorway brought Kaidan up short. _Oh thank god._ “Shepard, what’s going on?” For a split second he wasn’t in charge, for an instant he was looking to his commanding officer for orders. 

“Shepard’s blocking our escape! He’s with Cerberus!” Udina cried. Kaidan’s eyes trained on Shepard, whose focus was behind him. Protective instinct kicked in and he sidestepped, putting himself between Shepard’s squad and the councilors. This situation was getting out of hand and Kaidan wasn’t sure if he could defuse it. What was Shepard even doing on the Citadel? Was he after the council? He glanced back at the councilors, taking in their positions; Tevos was drawn in on herself behind Sparatus, whose hands were raised placatingly. Udina stood in front of them and a slight distance to the side, his expression angry. 

“Just, hang on-” Kaidan urged, his gaze snapping back to Shepard. _His focus is on Udina._ “I got this,” he muttered, securing his position in front of Udina, blocking Shepard’s angle. “Everyone just calm down.” He’d never been great at negotiations. 

Shepard’s gun lowered off aim, arms still tense and ready to pull back up at a moment’s notice. “I can explain this, Kaidan.” His voice was calm, steady, everything this situation really wasn’t. The human in Shepard’s squad -he was the Lieutenant that had been in their squad on Mars, Kaidan was sure of it- raised his shotgun, face grim. 

Kaidan shifted his stance, he had to fix this. Fast. “Come on, Shepard. Gun drawn on a councilor...” he shook his head - this couldn’t be Shepard, he wouldn’t stoop this far- “Kinda looks bad.” A shift of movement to Shepard’s right brought Kaidan’s attention to Garrus. The turian flexed his fingers around his raised gun. Both Shepard and the Lieutenant followed his gaze, their expressions troubled. Shepard turned back to Kaidan his mouth open to reply. 

Before he could, Udina’s harsh voice broke through the uneasy silence. “Shepard admitted to working with Cerberus! For all we know, he’s still with them!” Kaidan tilted his head, it all sounded plausible, just... 

“But I watched Shepard fight Cerberus troops on Mars. Now explain that.” His eyes narrowed as Shepard lowered his gun completely and took a quick step forward. Then Udina was stepping up to Kaidan, his omni-tool flickering to life. 

“Observe,” he stated, tapping away at several buttons. “Here is Councilor Valern being shot in C-sec Headquarters. Here is Commander Shepard pulling the trigger.” 

Kaidan lowered his gun to his side and turned to Udina as a video screen expanded, showing Shepard circling behind the salarian councilor. _“You’re gonna pay for that.”_ The commander’s voice on the video was filled with rage and not a second later his gun went off and Valern collapsed to the ground. Kaidan’s chest tightened and he felt as if he couldn’t breathe properly. The evidence was right in front of him. He couldn’t have imagined Shepard ever doing something like this but there was no denying what was laid out before him. 

Udina’s omni-tool flicked off and he lowered his arm. “What more do you need?” he asked disparagingly. Kaidan brought his gun back up, trying to organize his thoughts. This wasn’t the Shepard he knew. 

“Shepard?” His voice came out low and uncertain and Shepard’s face tightened with an emotion Kaidan couldn’t describe, something between rage and desperation. 

Shepard turned, throwing his hand out in exasperated anger, gesturing at the jammed door. “There are Cerberus soldiers in the elevator shaft behind us. If you open that door they’ll kill you all.” His voice was hard, filled with frustration as he turned back to face them, his stance confident. 

“What Shepard says is possible. Unlikely, but possible.” Tevos had moved between Udina and Sparatus, her expression skeptical and calculating as it shifted between the men. 

Kaidan heard Udina let out a harsh breath, “We don’t have time to debate this! We’re dead if we stay out here. I’m overriding the lock.” Kaidan watched as Shepard’s eyes tracked Udina’s movements and the Commander took a step forward, gun raising, this time both Garrus and the Lieutenant following him. This wasn’t right, his former commanding officer, the man he had idolized and looked to as a leader, a friend, a ...something more.... What was he doing? Shepard’s movements brought Udina into his scope and Kaidan rapidly maneuvered himself between them again. This couldn’t get worse, Kaidan had to fix this, but Shepard was still aiming at Udina. He had to do something, _anything._ He was surprised his voice came out steady and strong. “Shepard. Look at us.” The Commander’s attention shifted from Udina to Kaidan and the sentinel felt himself falter, his breath came out in a shaking gasp. “This can’t end well.” 

Shepard’s expression didn’t shift, his gun didn’t lower and Kaidan felt despair clawing at his throat. He didn’t have anything left to bargain with. “Just... Put. It. Down.” his voice sounded faint in his ears. 

The Commander’s head tilted to the side, his eyebrows drawing together in anger. “Ball’s in your court,” he snapped, face grim. His eyes flicked to the side, never meeting Kaidan’s desperate gaze full on. “Open that door and the council is dead.” His focus kept shifting, analyzing the situation, like he was looking for a way to get around Kaidan. _Like he’s looking for a way to take me out._ The next words out of the Commander’s mouth made Kaidan’s stomach clench painfully. “I may regret gunning you down for the rest of my life, but I _will_ do it.” 

His job, his only job right now was to protect the council against any and all threats. The man in front of him right now was definitely a threat. His focus centered on Shepard’s hand wrapped around his gun, he could see the man’s fingers tighten, and he reacted instinctively. 

The crack of his Carnifex didn’t make Kaidan flinch; he’d been trained to not be affected by things like that soon after he’d enlisted. Nothing, though, could have prepared him for the look of utter shock on Shepard’s face. A faint purple light flickered around him, instantly disappearing, and Shepard jerked slightly. _Oh god, his barrier wasn’t up._

Shock quickly morphed to pain as Shepard’s knees gave out and Garrus scrambled to catch him, omni-tool already activating. _He didn’t shoot. He thought I was going to back down._ Kaidan felt a chill run down his spine. He heard a snarling shout come from the Lieutenant but couldn’t make any sense of it. _Did he think I was going to back down? Did he think I was going to listen?_

He’d been wrong, of course he’d been wrong, all he ever did was mess things up when he doubted the Commander. What had he done? What had he _done?_

A series of electronic pings from behind him caught his attention and everything came rushing back. _Udina!_ He turned to the Human Councilor to see him at the control pad by the shuttle, tapping incessantly. Tevos had taken several steps towards him, placing a hand on his shoulder, her face grim. Kaidan moved forward, attempting to get a better angle, one that didn’t risk hitting the Asari councilor. Heavy footsteps followed him but he ignored them. 

At Tevos’ touch Udina snarled and pushed her backwards, making her stumble and fall to the ground. The gun came out of nowhere and Kaidan didn’t hesitate. Another loud crash of sound and Udina fell to the floor, a hole already oozing blood from between his eyes. 

There was silence for a moment and Kaidan watched as Sparatus helped Tevos to her feet. Suddenly a hand grabbed his shoulder and a heavy boot crashed into the back of his left knee, bringing him to the ground. 

_“Te matará!”_ The cold pressure of a large gun muzzle pressed painfully against the base of Kaidan’s amp. Armored fingers slid into view, gesturing to his gun angrily, and it took Kaidan several moments for his muddled brain to register what the Lieutenant was growling from where he stood behind him. “The gun, _cabrón_ , drop your gun or I will put a bullet in your goddamn head.” 

Kaidan’s brow furrowed. Why did he need his gun? He wasn’t going to use it. That much should be obvious. It wasn’t going to make a difference, anyway. They were going to eliminate him, just as they should, just as he deserved. The more seconds that passed the more agitated the marine got, pushing his shotgun harder into the back of Kaidan’s head. 

“You got ‘til three, _mulo_ , or you’re finished.” The pressure on the back of his head was so painful that it was making Kaidan’s eyes water. “One.” Or that could be the shock from the whole situation. “Two” Or the fact that he’d just shot the closest thing to a partner he’d ever had without thinking twice about it. 

“James.” He could recognize that voice anywhere; that calm, controlled, makes you stand to attention before you’re even aware you’ve saluted, voice. It was quiet and had an odd hitch to it but the power behind it was unmistakable. The pressure on his amp lessened just slightly as the Lieutenant shifted to acknowledge his CO. “The council is more important right now.” 

“But Commander, he--” The man started to protest before he was cut off. 

“The door, Lieutenant. Protect the council.” The pressure at the back of his head suddenly increased, sending Kaidan forward to catch himself on his hands, sharp blots of pain shooting up both his arms. 

_“Chilito.”_ The obvious insult was thrown over the Lieutenant’s shoulder as he stomped over to the two remaining councilors, its implications hitting Kaidan squarely in the chest. He could hear the marine talking quietly to Tevos but couldn’t bring himself to move. Shepard had just spared him. The man he had just taken out had seen fit to make sure the Lieutenant didn’t take the shot he seemed to crave for. 

A loud crackling came from the doorway, sparks flying from the seal. “The door!” Sparatus cried from where the Lieutenant had shoved the turian behind him. Kaidan felt as if he should get up, do something, help somehow. Yeah, they’d all seen how well _that_ had worked. Out of the corner of his eye Kaidan saw Garrus move closer to the door, standing protectively in front of Shepard, assault rifle focused on point. He could see the orange glow from Shepard’s omni-tool resting over his abdomen. Relief poured over him, making him feel weak. 

“Oh, hell,” The Lieutenant muttered, adjusting his shotgun and stepping fully in front of the councilors. The door slid open with a loud hiss and Kaidan waited. 

“Commander Bailey?” Garrus’ surprised question made him blink slowly. 

“Made it as quick as we could, looks like it’s a bit of a mess over here.” Bailey’s voice was slow and calculating. Kaidan could hear the C-sec officers moving over to the two councilors. “Cerberus beat feet into the tunnels when they figured out we were coming. I need principals evacuated and a medical transport prepped.” Kaidan’s fingers dug into the welded steel flooring but still he couldn’t find the strength to pull himself together and stand up. 

“Scars,” The Lieutenants voice was harsh and Kaidan could hear him making his way back over to where he was still collapsed on the ground. “What do you want me to do with him?” 

“Nothing Vega,” Garrus said, his voice calm. “Go with Shepard, make sure he gets to Huerta safe.” 

“Right,” Vega said, sounding uncertain. Kaidan could see several C-Sec officers move Shepard out of his view and took a slow breath. They were going to take care of him, fix the wrongs that he had created. They could make sure he survived. The door hissed closed behind the officers, leaving Kaidan in silence, the only sound the awkward shuffling of the turian's feet as he approached. 

“What were you even thinking?” Garrus had moved to lean against the railing, still a distance away from where Kaidan had pulled himself back into kneeling position on the platform. What had he been thinking? It had all seemed so clear when their guns had been drawn and the situation had been tense. Now though, he could see where he had been wrong, every memory of the emotions on Shepard’s face shifting in response to what Kaidan had said a clue to how wrong he had been. 

“You know,” Garrus said when he didn’t reply, his voice light, and Kaidan could hear him shift against the railing, “Shepard’s probably never going to let you live this one down.” 

Kaidan swallowed hard, his eyes stinging. Would Shepard even be able to look him in the eye after what he had done? How could he? He’d crushed any trust they had started rebuilding on Mars and during Shepard’s visits to see Kaidan at the hospital. How could he even think to begin to forgive him? 

His cheeks felt wet and his breath hitched painfully in his throat. “How could he? I mean, look at what I did. I betrayed him, I shot him. I didn’t help. How could he forgive me for this?” His voice cracked and he cleared his throat. His eyes burned as he tried to clear his thoughts. Shaking his head in an attempt to regain his composure, he swiped his hand over his face, rubbing harshly at his eyes. 

Pushing himself unsteadily to his feet, Kaidan turned to face Garrus. “There’s no way to fix this, Garrus. There’s no way he could even look me in the eye after what I’ve done.” 

“Oh, hey.” Garrus shifted, looking uncomfortable. “I didn't mean, no, come on,” he said, taking several short steps towards Kaidan. “He'll be fine. He’ll understand why-” 

Kaidan scoffed, cutting Garrus’ protests off. “I shot him, he trusted me to follow him and I shot him, Vakarian. How could he trust me?” 

Garrus paused for a long moment obviously thinking this over, Kaidan sniffed loudly, rubbing his hand under his nose waiting for him to reply. Finally Garrus took another step closer to Kaidan still looking uncomfortable but distinctly determined. “Kaidan, I’ve shot him my fair share of times. Remind me to tell you about the time I nearly scratched him while he was taking down the squads of mercenaries that were working together to take me out.” Garrus paused for a second, then shook his head slightly and continued. “My point is, he’s the kind of human who thinks about things, about the outcomes, even if it takes a while or the outcome seems obvious.” He gave Kaidan a meaningful look. “Come on Alenko, you _know_ Shepard, we always used to think he over analyzed everything. Picked apart every little thing looking for something we were sure wasn’t there.” He raised his hand, pointing at Kaidan, “Whatever he’s gonna be looking for? He’ll find it, and I’ll wager you’re not gonna be left out for the varren.” 

Kaidan blinked slowly, letting what Garrus had said sink in. He didn’t move as Garrus collapsed his assault rifle and swung it into its holder. His mind was spinning as he watched the turrian move to the open door that led to the elevator and he met Garrus’ eyes as he turned back to him. 

“You know, come to think of it, I wouldn’t take that bet,” Garrus said, his mandibles twitching in the approximation of a grin. “I couldn’t just take your money like that.” With that the turian disappeared down the hallway, his footsteps echoing into silence, leaving Kaidan standing on the platform, his mind numb.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things always have the habit of getting much, much worse before even attempting to get better.

Huerta Memorial Hospital always made Kaidan’s stomach knot up. Whether it was nerves or fear he was never sure. As he stepped out of the elevator, an asari doctor rushed past him, her omni-tool blinking rapidly. Kaidan followed her movements with his eyes until she stopped next to a salarian who lay on the ground, clutching his arm. His eyes moved past them to the room that was in a barely controlled chaos. Moans of pain and aborted screams trailed after him as he made his way to the scanner. The door slid shut and he watched the dancing blue lights travel over his armor, working to remove the harmful bacteria lodged into the creases. The minute it took for the decontamination to complete had Kaidan fighting to keep his calm.

Moving through the doorway when it finally opened, he took a deep breath, trying in vain to relax his tense shoulders. His eyes traveled over the inpatient wing and fixed on the first trauma room. Several doctors moved around behind the glass, omni-tools flaring to life. Kaidan saw Garrus standing next to a Salarian doctor, deep in conversation, both of them occasionally glancing towards the sealed room. Vega leaned against the wall, arms crossed over his armor, his face devoid of emotion, his gaze fixed firmly on the happenings in the room. Kaidan was halfway to the door before he was even conscious of moving. 

A heavy weight slammed into him, sending him crashing into the opposite wall. Vega had apparently noticed his approach, putting himself squarely between Kaidan and Shepard. One thick arm pinned him, armor digging painfully into his throat, forcing his head back against the wall, while the other snatched his pistol from him, leaving him unarmed. 

_“¿Quieres una bala?”_ The Lieutenant snarled, his face contorted in rage. “What makes you think you got any right?” Kaidan’s hand curled around the man’s forearm, fighting for leverage against the weight crushing his throat. “You think you’re getting anywhere near him?” The question was almost a challenge. 

“Vega,” Garrus said sharply, breaking away from his conversation with the doctor and moving towards them. The marine ignored him, pressing closer to Kaidan, his expression dangerous, and Kaidan had had enough. 

Blue fringed his vision as he pushed the marine off of him with enough biotic force to make the larger man stagger several steps backwards. His fingers curled into fists, blue flaring brighter with the gathering dark energy. Vega growled as he regained his balance, charging back towards him. His arm pulled back, coiled to deliver a punch hard enough to lay Kaidan flat. 

Kaidan relaxed, letting his biotics fade. This he could take, this punishment he deserved, and he would take it without protest. He saw Garrus moving to intercept Vega, a hand reaching out to stop the force of the swing. He waited for the pain. 

“Shepard’s crashing! I need Dr. Michel in here stat!” The panicked voice had the three of them frozen in shock while several doctors rushed past them into the small room. _No._ Kaidan felt his knees weaken. _No, this can’t be happening._

Garrus’ hand was wrapped around Vega’s wrist and Kaidan suddenly craved for the eye watering, stinging pain from that fist connecting with his jaw. Anything but this. He felt his knees give way, sending him forward into Vega’s unforgiving armor. The larger man didn’t even react, his face slack with consternation. 

Kaidan pushed himself away from the marine, nearly colliding with another doctor rushing towards the trauma room. He moved after her without a second thought but came up short as the door slid shut, the red glare of denied access flashing on, making him flinch back. Kaidan moved to the window, his gauntlets scraping against the glass; all he could see was one of Shepard’s bare legs, the rest of him was blocked by an agonizing amount of doctors. He couldn’t hear anything but movement was rapid and omni-tools flickered in and out of use almost too quick to follow. 

His fingers clenched into fists and he let his head fall forward, resting heavily against the glass. His knees finally gave out and with nothing to catch him, he slid to the floor. 

If Shepard died, Kaidan was the one who would have killed him. This legend, the savior of the galaxy, the only person who could bring everyone together--Kaidan would be responsible for taking him out of this universe. If Shepard died, Kaidan would never get the chance to tell him that he did trust him, that he would follow him, that he was so, so, _sorry_. His vision had blurred and his breath came in large hitching gasps. Tears ran down his cheeks, he felt light headed, and darkness flared at the edges of his vision, he almost wished it would take over, giving him just the slightest relief. He wished for so much more. 

A hand fell on Kaidan’s shoulder, strong talons digging into the catches between the armor plates. “Kaidan...” Garrus’ voice was soft, hesitant, almost fearful. “Kaidan, we need to give them room, let the doctors do their jobs.” 

Kaidan could feel Garrus attempting to get him to stand and move away from the window, but he couldn’t bring himself to comply. Even with tears blurring his vision he could still see Shepard’s leg, unmoving, nonresponsive. If he looked away Shepard would disappear, he would be gone, and Kaidan wouldn’t be able to find him, he was sure of it. 

“James, help me with him.” The turian’s voice had a sharp edge to it, despite his calm. Kaidan heard a heavy tread approaching and a human hand came to rest under his arm and he felt the air shift as Vega crouched down next to him 

“Come on let’s get him out of here.” He hauled Kaidan to his feet with unsurprising ease, keeping him from collapsing again. Both he and Garrus guided him back through the scanner to the main waiting area and lowered him onto an abandoned chair. Vega let go, stepping away from him, and nearly backed into a batarian with familiar, distinctive yellow facial markings hurrying past them. 

“Watch it _cabrón_!” Vega snapped, the batarian didn’t even acknowledge him, stalking towards the lift. It opened with a hiss and several people stumbled out, looking around anxiously. Kaidan could barely make out Liara and Dr. Chakwas through his tears before he dropped his head into his hands, jaw clenched tight to dam up the pathetic sounds fighting to make themselves known. 

“Goddess, Kaidan...” Liara’s worried voice broke through the pain that was clawing at his thoughts. 

“What‘s Shepard’s status?” an unfamiliar masculine voice asked. Kaidan heard Garrus clear his throat, obviously trying to think of a way to break the news. The words tore out of this mouth without his consent. 

“Shepard’s dying.” The words were barely audible between the hitches in his breath. Gentle hands curled around his, bringing them to his lap and Kaidan met Liara’s serious gaze. A darker skinned man in standard BDUs was crouched down next to her, concern obvious in his striking blue eyes. 

Garrus’ voice was sharp and annoyed. “They’re working on him right now. He’s going to be fine.” 

Liara turned her attention to Garrus, her eyes questioning. “What happened?” Kaidan squeezed his eyes shut, attempting to pull his hands from her grasp. Her fingers squeezed, keeping him in place, her gaze still fixed on Garrus. 

“A well placed shot,” Garrus informed them. “Apparently it caused complications.” 

Kaidan opened his eyes in time to see the man next to him blink in surprise. 

“The statistical likelihood of such an event occurring would not have led me to that conclusion,” a soft mechanical voice stated, making Kaidan look up. A mech stood among the group, strangely feminine and hauntingly familiar. His eyes focused on the orange visor shielding its eyes and his chest tightened in a moment of fear. The memory of that blank stare partly obscured by the fingers crushing his helmet, the darkness closing in on him no matter how hard he fought against it. 

A hysterical laugh made its way up Kaidan’s throat and burst into existence, making Liara turn her attention back to him with a worried frown. 

“Well, the statistical likelihood of this _zurramato_ shooting him should have been zero, _muñeqa_ , but look where we are now,” Vega growled, throwing an arm in Kaidan’s direction. There was a long stretch of silence as the marine’s comment sunk in. Kaidan felt it the instant Liara understood; she pulled away, moving to stand next to Garrus. His eyes fell shut again and he let his head drop to his chest, a choked whimper escaping him. A weight settled in the chair next to him, a warm shoulder pressing against his. 

“The war efforts will suffer greatly while Commander Shepard is out of commission,” the mech stated, shifting to stand taller and tucking its hands behind its back. 

Kaidan felt something akin to rage building in his chest. Looking up at the mech, he narrowed his eyes. “Well maybe it would have been better for you to finish the job on Mars,” he snapped, fresh tears rolling down his cheeks. 

“Don’t say that.” Liara’s voice was quiet but by no means warm as she kept her gaze from meeting his. 

“Alright enough, we don’t need this right now.” The man sitting next to Kaidan spoke quietly but firmly, sending a glare at Vega, who had opened his mouth again. “And keep your voices down, you’re starting to scare people.” 

Vega scoffed at him, moving to lean against the floor to ceiling window “Whatever, Esteban.” 

There was silence in their group as everyone turned to their own thoughts. Liara had moved to stand close to Garrus, their heads bowed together, speaking quietly, but Kaidan couldn’t hear what they were saying through the distance between them. Kaidan pulled in several deep breaths, feeling them stutter in his chest. Shepard’s pulled through worse, he’ll make it. The thought sounded doubtful in his mind. But he’d come back from the dead before, things far worse than this. A bullet wasn’t going to stop him, for christ’s sake 

Time seemed to come to a stand still, the only hint that it was passing given by the occasional doctor rushing by them. The oddly comforting presence of the man who sat next to him didn’t leave. Kaidan’s vision slowly cleared, though his cheeks felt tight from the dried tear tracks. His mind kept tumbling over ways he could have avoided this, over ways it could have ended differently. 

~ ~ ~ ~

Everyone’s heads snapped up at the clearing of a throat. Chakwas stood before them, a small, tired smile on her face. Liara was on her feet in an instant, worry obvious. “Is he okay?” Her hands twisted together fretfully as they all waited for Chakwas’ reply. 

Everyone sagged with relief when her smile widened and she nodded, “We’ve stabilized him and he’s just regained consciousness. His vitals are strong and he’s doing much better than expected, in all honesty he should be ready for action again in just a few days.” Her focus shifted to Kaidan and he felt himself straighten out of habit. “He’s requested to see you before anyone else, Major.” 

Kaidan felt his stomach drop sickeningly. What would Shepard have to say to him? _Just that he can’t believe I betrayed him_. He stood from his chair, his knees cracking painfully from sitting so long. _He’s going to demand I be written up on charges_. He moved past where Liara stood next to Chakwas, her face unreadable, and into the scanner room. Thoughts tumbled through his mind as he waited for the decontamination to complete. _Or he could just ensure I’m relieved of duty._

He was so wrapped up in his thoughts he didn’t realize he had reached the door to Shepard’s room for several long moments. The access light blazed green, signifying he had permission to enter but Kaidan couldn’t bring himself to take the last step forward. He shouldn’t even be here, he didn’t deserve to see Shepard. Why did they even allow him access to the man he had shot? He stepped forward anyway, the doors sliding open without a sound. 

Two steps into the room all nerves left him at the sight of Shepard and he came to a halt. 

The commander sat propped up on the bed, covers hanging loosely around his waist, bandages creeping up the right side of his torso, clean and white. The grin Shepard flashed him had Kaidan cringing, he hadn’t taking into account the fact that Shepard would be so drugged he probably couldn’t even see straight. His eyes fixed back on the bandage covering the injury as he waited for the man to speak. 

“Kaidan.” Shepard’s voice sounded cheerful if a bit slurred. “Glad you’re here.” 

Kaidan widened his stance, bringing his hands to clasp loosely behind his back. “Commander.” The word came out short. 

Shepard quirked an eyebrow at him, the corner of his mouth pulled up into another ridiculous grin. “Looks like a bit of a switch.” The words hit hard, making Kaidan flinch slightly. 

“You didn’t put _me_ in here, Commander,” he found himself snapping and Shepard shook his head, eyes darkening. 

“You were doing your job, Kaidan. Trying to protect the council. There was no way for you to have all the facts.” Kaidan let out a choked laugh. “I shot you. You gave me every reason to trust you and I _shot_ you. I _killed you_ , Shepard.” His voice cracked painfully and he shut his mouth, eyes stinging. 

“Really?” the grin was still in place, and it was slowly driving Kaidan up the wall. “‘Cause I don’t think I’m dead. Do I look dead to you?” Shepard shifted, making more room on the bed and patted the space next to him. “Take a seat.” 

“No.” The words made Shepard’s gaze snap to Kaidan’s, his face going slack with shock. Kaidan took a breath, breaking the stare, bringing his eyes to the floor. “If you could,” he swallowed hard, “could just, maybe, tell me what charges you’re going to put me up on, I can get out of your way.” 

Hurt flashed across Shepard’s features before he seemed to close off completely, his face becoming the mask Kaidan was all too familiar with. “Sit, Alenko,” The Commander said sharply. “Now.” 

Kaidan sat. Not on the bed, but the chair where Shepard had sat just a few weeks ago. That visit had opened so many doors, Shepard had been so eager to fix the broken bridges between them then, and to try to build more. Now here he sat, waiting for the man to tell him he had ruined it all, that he couldn’t fix this, that there was no way to possibly get to what they could have had. 

There was a long stretch of silence as Shepard kept his eyes fixed on every small movement Kaidan made, his face thoughtful. “You weren’t told everything,” he said at last, voice was slow and calculating, “were you?” 

Kaidan laughed self-deprecatingly, keeping his attention fixed on his hands curled in his lap. “Seems to happen to me a lot Commander,” he finally said, voice more uncertain than he wanted, “and I can’t seem to do right on my own.” He flicked his eyes up to meet Shepard’s hesitantly. The man met his gaze, worry plain in his blue eyes. 

“Kaidan, it wasn’t you-” 

“Don’t try to sugar coat it, Commander.” Kaidan looked down at his fingers clenched into fists in his lap. Scarred hands grasped his gloved ones, making Kaidan’s eyes snap back up to Shepard’s. 

“ _Kaidan_ , it wasn’t you.” Shepard’s voice was rough and desperate, his fingers squeezing Kaidan’s trembling hands. “Come on, it’s not like I haven’t been shot before.” 

Kaidan shook his head, his fingers tightening reflexively around Shepard’s, attempting to stop the shaking. “You’ve never died from being shot either, but here we are.” A spark of realization flared in Shepard’s eyes and a small smile lit his features. 

“Kaidan I haven’t, I didn’t....” He seemed to realize he wasn’t making sense and tried again. “It wasn’t the shot that made me crash. Doc says it was some kind of poison, not sure how it got into my system, but it took effect before anyone realized what had happened.” 

Kaidan felt relief surge through him, chased quickly by guilt. “God, Shepard are you okay?” He realized the question was rather ridiculous but he couldn’t think of anything better to say. 

The smile grew on Shepard’s face, carefree and pure cheer. “Yup, I’m good,” he stated, settling back onto the hard pillow, his left hand slipping from Kaidan’s grasp. “It’ll take a few days to get back to normal,” he continued, hand resting against the bandages prominent against his skin, “but I’m pretty sure I was overdue for a vacation anyways.” 

A laugh escaped the sentinel, cut short by the grief that had caught in his throat. “But not like this. Christ, Shepard,” Kaidan broke off, his voice unsteady. He took a deep breath and it all seemed to tumble out of him. “I’m sorry, I should have listened to you, I can’t believe I shot you, I should never have, I’m so, _so_ sorry.” 

A warm hand sliding along his jaw had Kaidan’s mouth snapping shut. Fingers slid upwards to caress the shell of his ear. Kaidan’s mind was spinning, but he couldn’t bring himself to pull away. Fingers curled into the base of his neck, the pressure in such close proximity to his amp it made his breath hitch and he leaned back almost unconsciously into the warm fingers. 

“I couldn’t care less if you shot me, I just need to know you trust me. Here and now.” 

Kaidan had always known that Shepard had relied on that trust to be there more times than he could count. His assurance that Kaidan would back him against Saren. His willingness to work with Kaidan on Mars and his eager anticipation to have him back, serving on the Normandy. Kaidan was starting to realize that that trust was all Shepard had, trust in him, in his team. Without that trust, he wouldn't have accomplished all he had. Without that trust he wouldn’t have been able to fight so hard and for so long. 

He let his head fall forward to rest against Shepard’s, his eyes closing. “Never again, Shepard. I’ve got your back, always.” And he meant it. Every doubt he'd had about Shepard, he’d been wrong. The man had proven himself time and time again. He'd more than earned Kaidan's trust. Kaidan would give it, without any more hesitation, without any more doubt. 

Soft lips met his, making his eyes fly open. He moved to pull back but a strong hand had tangled in his hair, keeping him from retreating too far. “No, stay. Please.” Shepard’s eyes were closed, as if he was afraid to open them, afraid Kaidan wouldn’t be there, and Kaidan understood. 

“I’m not going anywhere, John,” he breathed, lips brushing lightly against Shepard's as he spoke. Shepard let something between a moan and a whimper escape him, and it had Kaidan leaning in for more, chasing the sound. He caught it between their mouths, his lips moving against Shepard’s, working to create more of those sounds. He let out a needy noise of his own when Shepard pulled him forward out of the chair, pressing their mouths more firmly together, and Kaidan had to bring a hand up to rest on the bed so he didn't lose his balance. 

Someone cleared their throat from the doorway and Kaidan froze against Shepard, his eyes widening. “I figured this was bound to happen, given how often the Commander visited you,” a familiar voice said, accent enriched with amusement, “but Major, I must insist you not assault my patient.” 

Shepard let out a loud laugh against Kaidan's lips, his hands retreating from the sentinel’s hair, allowing him to pull back. “ Don’t worry, doc, your patient assaulted him, no need to call security.” Shepard was still laughing as Kaidan stood and stepped away from the bed. He wasn’t sure if he felt mortified or invigorated as he sheepishly turned to face Dr. Michel. 

The redheaded woman was smiling at him, her hands settled on her hips. “That may be, but you need to rest, Commander,” her tone was light as she turned to Kaidan. “Now off with you, Major,” she shooed him with her hands. “You may come back tomorrow, he will still be here no doubt, no matter how he complains.” Kaidan heard Shepard let out an indignant huff and let a small smile spread across his face. With a nod and one last glance back at Shepard, Kaidan moved past Michel to the door. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, right?” Shepard’s voice was hesitant, hopeful. Hope wasn't something Kaidan heard in the man's voice often. He'd given him that. 

“First thing,” he said, giving Shepard one last smile before the door closed behind him. He made his way slowly back through the scanner, mind whirling. Shepard had kissed him. John. John had kissed him. He couldn’t begin to fathom what that could mean for them. _Them_. The word seemed strange. Could there be a _them_? He’d never been part of a _them_ before. It might even work. 

When he stepped into the lobby, the sight of the lieutenant chased all thoughts of _could_ and _might_ out of his head. 

“Well look who’s back, hope you left him in one piece this time.” The man had his arms crossed over his broad chest. Liara had turned at the sound of his voice and made her way over to Kaidan. 

“How is he?” Her voice was soft, her gaze worried. Kaidan found an honest smile for her. 

“He’s fine, just looped on painkillers...” He trailed off as the realization hit him square in the chest. Something must have shown on his face because Liara gently guided him to the couch. He collapsed heavily into the hard cushioning, burying his face in his hands, fighting to hide a groan. “He was looped on painkillers.” He breathed through his fingers, fighting against the panic rising in his throat. “I’m so stupid.” 

He could feel the eyes on him, the questioning looks they were all sending his way. Liara’s hands gently pried his fingers from his temples and pulled them into her lap and his eyes moved to hers. The look on her face was one of empathy as she squeezed his fingers comfortingly. 

“What’s with the smile, Esteban?” Vega’s question had Kaidan turning to observe the two men next to him. 

“Just glad the Commander’s gonna be okay,” the darker skinned man stated, turning to give Kaidan a knowing smile. 

He felt a new kind of panic threatening to take over. He had to leave, before he completely broke down or said something stupid. Sliding his hands from Liara’s, he stood. “I have to go report to the council, they’ll want an update.” He winced at the lack of conviction in his voice. 

No one tried to stop him as he made his way to the lift and Kaidan let out a breath of relief as the doors closed behind him. His fingers hovered over the command to send him to the embassies. He should check in with the council; it was his duty, to ensure their safety and keep them informed on important happenings. His fingers instead hit the button for the human embassy. His feet dragged as he made his way down the hallways and he soon found himself in the Spectre quarters, removing his armor before collapsing unceremoniously onto one of the small beds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _¿Quieres una bala?_ -You want a bullet?  
>  _cabrón_ -bastard  
>  _zurramato_ -dumbass  
>  _muñeqa_ -doll
> 
> ~ ~ ~ ~  
> Hope you guys enjoyed! I'm flying home tonight so I'm going to try to edit on the plane and have the next chapter up by tomorrow or Saturday.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which some questions are answered and others need a little action to back them up.

Night cycle never lasted long enough on the Citadel, in Kaidan’s opinion. The artificial morning light always glared harshly through the windows in the series of apartments the Council set aside for Spectres passing through. Kaidan rolled onto his back, staring blankly up at the ceiling. Why had he promised Shepard he would show up first thing? He’d been drugged up on painkillers last night so who knew if he actually meant what he’d said. The thought lingered in his mind as he took a quick shower, attempting to scrub himself clean of yesterday's events. The chances Shepard expected him to show up at all were slim. The thought was still spinning in his mind as he dressed and made sure his armor locker was secure before heading out.

The embassy was packed, dignitaries and officials scrambling to accommodate the large influx of people in need. Kaidan kept his head down and moved swiftly to the elevator, tuning out the frustrated cries for attention from many civilians, shying away from anyone who came too close. 

Once in the elevator his mind shifted to Shepard, and his fingers flexed nervously. Could he avoid visiting Shepard? He might not even remember Kaidan visiting him yesterday. He had been pretty drugged. Terror lit in his stomach. What if Shepard remembered? What would he think? Kaidan had kissed him. Maybe he hadn't started it, but Shepard hadn't been in his right mind. 

The cheerful VI announced his arrival to Huerta, prompting him to step out of the lift. The chaos had settled some, and only the occasional pained moan could be heard across the room. Kaidan moved to the inpatient wing on autopilot and slipped into Shepard’s room before he could convince himself to turn back. 

Shepard’s face was peaceful, and slack with sleep. Kaidan cursed silently; he had wanted to get this over with quickly, take his lumps and be on his way, and the last thing he wanted to do was wipe away that peace Shepard never seemed to attain. 

He silently pulled up the chair he had vacated last night, and sat next to the bed. His thoughts were scrambling in different directions. Should he even be here? What if Shepard woke and called security? His hands gripped the side of the bed, digging into the metal frame. He should just leave, come visit if they call for him. 

“Hey.” Kaidan’s head snapped up as Shepard spoke, voice rough from sleep but filled with surprise and delight. “You’re here.” 

Kaidan swallowed. “I wasn’t sure you’d want me to come back.” Shepard tilted his head, an eyebrow raising quizzically. Kaidan shook his head slightly. “after I....” He trailed off, trying to find the right words. 

“After you...?” Shepard’s voice was light and inquisitive, and Kaidan’s eyes slid shut in despair. 

“I took advantage of you, Shepard,” he breathed, refusing to open his eyes to look at the man. 

“Hey.” Fingers brushed against his cheek, encouraging him to look up. The smile on Shepard’s face was small but it was honest. “Trust me, you weren’t the one taking advantage.” His voice was quiet. 

“You weren’t in a position to, yourself,” Kaidan pointed out and Shepard’s smile grew, his other hand dropping to rest on Kaidan’s. 

“Guess we’ll just have to call it a mutual attraction then.” 

Kaidan flipped his hand over so it was palm to palm with Shepard’s, fingers strumming against the pulse point on the vanguard’s wrist. “Is it?” 

“You tell me.” 

“I guess it depends. How many painkillers are you on now?” 

Shepard let out a soft laugh. “They cut me off, I’m down to the lightest dose.” His fingers curled as he spoke, catching against Kaidan’s, pulling him forward. It was tentative at first, the soft brush of skin on skin, softer than Kaidan had ever imagined and he’d imagined it more times than he could count. But Shepard wasn’t known for his patience and even as Kaidan tried to keep it light, tried to savor the tenderness of the moment, it was taken apart by Shepard's eager mouth opening against his, tenderness giving way to heat and yeah, this was a little more what he’d imagined, although even his most vivid fantasies couldn’t do that mouth justice. 

The hand on his cheek moved to the back of his neck, sliding down to curl into the fabric bunched between his shoulders. Kaidan felt himself being pulled closer and broke the kiss, breath rasping harshly against the other man’s lips. “Shepard...” 

“Don’t ‘Shepard’ me.” The hand on his back didn’t relent and Kaidan reluctantly let himself be pulled up to the edge of the bed. 

“I don’t want to hurt you.” He knew the protest was weak as Shepard’s other hand came to hook fingers his the straps on his belt, tugging relentlessly. 

“Maybe you should have thought of that before you shot me.” The words were light as Shepard moved closer, still Kaidan couldn’t help but flinch, closing his eyes in shame. “But seeing as it gets us here,” Shepard nudged his nose against Kaidan’s, “maybe you should do it more often.” The hand on his shirt slid back up to his neck, fingers teasing against the scar just above his hairline. “Now get your ass in this bed.” 

This time Shepard was the one to retreat, but now Kaidan followed him. The hand that had been hooked into his belt came back up to tangle with his fingers as Shepard shifted back, edging sideways so Kaidan had more room to maneuver onto the hard mattress without bumping into Shepard’s injury. He moved slowly, hesitant to touch, afraid he’d hurt. The hand captured in Shepard’s came to rest over his bare collarbone. Kaidan couldn’t help but melt into the heat of the man next to him, cheek tingling, their biotics reacted to one another’s as he tucked his head under the man’s jaw. Shepard’s free arm relaxed across the middle of Kaidan’s back, tracing softly across the clothed surface. 

There was silence as Kaidan lost himself in his thoughts. Less than 24 hours ago, he had almost killed Shepard. Now they were lying here wrapped around each other as if they had always done this, as if this was a regular thing. 

His fingers twitched against Shepard’s chest at the thought. The thing was, this wasn’t regular. He wanted this to be regular, he wanted to be close to this man, but Alliance regs wouldn’t allow them what he wanted. The thought stung, but he would take anything he could get, if it meant being able to serve on the Normandy under Shepard’s command, as just another friend, just another soldier. 

“They’re never going to allow this.” His voice seemed loud in the quiet room. Shepard’s fingers tightened around his, pulling them up to press his lips against the inside of Kaidan’s wrist. The sentinel let out a shuddering sigh, his eyes falling shut at the feeling. 

“As if Alliance rules have stopped me before.” Shepard’s breath ghosted across Kaidan’s pulse, his tone almost mocking. “We stole the Normandy once, remember?” 

Kaidan propped himself up on his elbow, his brow furrowing in annoyance, his other hand falling back to the man’s chest. “Shepard, I’m serious here.” The man met his gaze, amusement melting from his features, replaced with earnest compassion. His hand still resting in between Kaidan’s shoulders moved to thread through his hair, pulling him down for a chaste kiss. 

“I want you with me, Kaidan. I don't know if I can do this without you. And I need you to even begin to believe I can win this,” he breathed against Kaidan’s lips. 

“Then I’m with you, just, does that mean we can’t...?” He trailed off, hesitant to even voice the horrific notion. Shepard pressed his forehead against his, breath unsteady. 

“Kaidan, we'll make it work. We'll keep it under wraps if we have to. But,” he brought his other hand up to brush his thumb across Kaidan’s cheek, “I want this to work.” Kaidan found his lips pulling up into an honest smile, the first one in quite a long time. 

“Good to know,” he said with a huff of laughter as he slid back down, pressing his nose into the junction between Shepard’s jaw and neck, pulling a small shiver from the man. Their breathing fell in sync as they reveled in each other’s amplified warmth, fingers drawing random patterns across exposed skin. 

The hiss of the door sliding open was loud and Kaidan flinched away from Shepard. He rolled over, controlling his fall off the edge of the bed and landed on his feet facing the door. His effort at nonchalance was ruined by the flush creeping up his neck and the wicked smile Dr. Michel shot him from her position by the door. 

He opened his mouth, not sure yet what he was going to say, but Michel beat him to it. “I’m glad you made it back Major, but we need to run some final tests before he can be released.” She raised an eyebrow, planting her hands on her hips. “I trust you were mindful of his injuries?” Kaidan closed his eyes, mortified. 

Shepard let out a relaxed laugh. “Hell doc, it was more painful trying to get him _on_ the bed.” Michel tilted her head to give Shepard a look of amused scorn before turning her attention back to Kaidan. 

“You have something to keep you occupied until he is released, no doubt?” 

Kaidan nodded, thoughts shifting out of the euphoria of the moment and back to focus on the report the council required. 

“I’ll see you soon?” Shepard’s voice was calm as he looked at Kaidan, blue eyes bright with affection. Kaidan grinned back at Shepard causing the mans face to break into a gleeful smile. It was a look Kaidan realized he would have to get used to if they kept this up, which he was not at all opposed to. Making his way out of the room Kaidan had to remind himself to focus on the task at hand. He’d see Shepard soon enough. 

~ ~ ~ ~ 

His meeting with the council was rather uneventful, all things considered. Both councilors expressed their relief over the news that Shepard would make a full recovery. Tevos updated him on the information they had started gathering on Udina’s Cerberus dealings, confirming that Shepard had been correct in going after him in the first place. Kaidan notified them of his new station aboard the Normandy and both Sparatus and Tevos gave their consent, wishing him luck. 

After they dismissed him, Kaidan found himself wandering aimlessly around the presidium, waiting for word from Shepard. He tried to distract himself, browsing through the upgrades available at the Elkoss Combine terminal but soon found himself drawn to Kanala Exports, the advertisements of brightly colored fish flashing cheerfully across the display. He was debating on whether to purchase Koi or Skald fish, having decided against the Snapping Eel, fearing the Khar’shan species would lay waste to Shepard’s already fragile attempts at keeping his fish alive according to Joker, when an arm fell across his shoulders, pulling him into a solid chest. 

“Here to buy me a get well present?” Shepard’s voice was bright and teasing as his fingers trailed along the edge of Kaidan’s collar. “You’re a little late.” Kaidan leaned back against the firm body, reveling in the warmth of the man. He only allowed himself a moment of the exquisite closeness before he stepped forward out of Shepard’s arms and turned to face him. 

“What was that about keeping this under wraps?” he asked with a wry smile. Shepard’s arm fell to his side and a look of hurt flashed across his features before it was replaced with a slightly forced smile. 

Kaidan felt a small surge of guilt and caught Shepard’s wrist as he moved back, keeping him from closing off completely. “That doesn’t mean this isn’t happening, Shep.” Unsure blue eyes raised to meet his and Kaidan decided to take pity; leaning in, he planted a kiss on the tip of Shepard’s nose, making his face scrunch up in mocking protest, a the smile much more genuine. 

Kaidan secured his purchase of fish, setting the delivery to the Normandy, laughing at the boyish excitement that lit Shepard’s face. They moved on, making their way slowly across the Presidium, sticking closer to each other than they would have before. They stopped at the cafe for a drink, Shepard teasing him over his want for an actual beer. Playful looks, flirty words and small touches, had Kaidan’s mind racing. 

Shepard was all heat, every graze of their skin, every bat of his long, dark lashes. Even the rumble in his voice had a spark to it, one unlike anything Kaidan had heard there before. This man, so familiar, and now Kaidan was seeing a completely different side to him, a side he'd never revealed in all their time on the SR-1. A side he desperately wanted to know. 

But there was something about it that bothered him, and when Shepard took his hand, looked him straight in the eye with a questioning brow, he knew it showed. With a sigh he broke their gaze, focusing on Shepard’s thumb as it stroked along his knuckles. Taking a deep breath, he brought his eyes back up. “Why now, Shepard?” His voice was almost drowned out by the noise around them, making Shepard lean closer. 

“Because brushes with death tend to make you... reevaluate things.” He paused, tilting his head and quirking a grin. “ And now, now I know for sure you feel the same.” 

Kaidan huffed out a laugh, fingers tightening around Shepard’s. “Fair enough, John.” But it didn’t do much to calm his frenzied thoughts. They finished their drinks in silence, fingers still tangled together, bickering good naturedly over the check when in came. Ultimately Shepard won. 

They looped through the courtyard and down the stairs, stopping briefly to inspect the wares of both the Kassa Fabrication and Nos Astra terminals. The inferno armor caught Shepard’s eye, and after only a moment of consideration he was having it sent to the Normandy. 

They were making their way up the stairs to the C-Sec office, discussing the potential of the Scorpion pistol that had grabbed Kaidan’s attention at the Aegohr Munitions shop, when a voice called out. 

“Commander Shepard, do you have a minute?” They both turned to see a woman, shorter than both of them, deactivating her omni-tool and turning to face them. Her green eyes were sharp as she appraised them both. Kaidan bit back a smile at the torn look on Shepard’s face, his desire to continue with their impromptu date warring with his constant want to help others in need. Nudging him with his elbow, he tilted his head towards the woman, granting permission; the man gave him a small smile before turning back to the woman, all business, and Kaidan let the smile spread across his face. It was just like old times. 

“How can I help?” 

“Jordan Noles, E-Crimes,” the woman introduced herself, reaching out a hand to shake Shepard’s. “It’s an honor to meet you, Commander.” Her gaze shifted to Kaidan’s and she gave him a nod. More than he expected standing next to the great Commander Shepard. He nodded back and she turned her attention back to Shepard. “I’ve got a saboteur hacking key systems,” she informed them, shaking her head, face grim. “Power, communications... it’s bad.” She brought up a display on her omni-tool, shifting it so they could both see. “If you’ve got time to help, check out this console.” 

Kaidan leaned forward, eyes narrowing at the numbers scrolling across the screen. “Looks like a collection of access codes,” he murmured after a moment and felt Shepard nod next to him. Looking up, he saw Noles nodding in agreement as well. 

“They’re batarian diplomatic codes... from back when they had an embassy on the Citadel.” Kaidan could see Shepard’s shoulders tighten almost imperceptibly and shifted his weight so he was closer to the man. “If you can use your Spectre access to find them, I can shut them down.” Her green eyes shifted to meet Kaidan’s so he knew the request included him as well. 

“Restricted intel we can access at the Spectre office,” he told her, seeing Shepard’s shoulders relax at his words. “If we find anything, we’ll let you know.” 

“I appreciate it, gentlemen.” She gave him a small smile before turning back to her omni-tool, leaving them to their task. 

Kaidan rested a hand on Shepard’s back, guiding him past the apartments. They took the elevator to the Embassy in silence, Kaidan’s fingers tracing random patterns into the vanguard’s soft hoodie. 

The Embassy was still a chaotic mess, nearly the same as when Kaidan had left to see Shepard that morning. They avoided the crowds easily enough, only pausing once for Shepard to relay information to an asari Commando on reaper code fragments that she could obtain from the Normandy. 

The silence that washed over them as they stepped into the Spectre office had Kaidan breathing a small sigh of relief. He watched Shepard make his way over to the data console and begin to punch in commands. He couldn’t help but marvel at the sight, the muscles rippling beneath the loose hoodie with each movement, the perfectly sculpted ass that had been such a distraction for so long. And now it was... his? It was probably too early to think things like that, but damn if he didn’t want it to be. 

He stepped up behind Shepard, pressed his chest to that magnificent back, slipped an arm around the man’s waist, careful not to disturb the bandages. Shepard relaxed back against him even as his hands continued to move over the console. 

“We’ve got work to do, you know.” Kaidan could hear the smile in his voice. He hooked his chin over his shoulder, looking down at the data on the screen. 

“It’s gonna take a little time to compile, don’t you think?” He pressed his lips to Shepard’s jaw, reveling in the shudder it caused. The vanguard turned, giving him a wicked smile as he leaned back against the railing, fingers snagging in Kaidan’s shirt, pulling him forward. 

“I guess we’re lucky there are no cameras in here,” Shepard hummed, a hand sliding around Kaidan’s shoulders, bringing him closer so he was standing between his legs, pressed against the delicious warmth. Kaidan leaned forward with a grin, mindful not to hit the bandages and brushed his lips against Shepard’s. The man let out an indignant huff, the arm around his shoulders tensing and drawing him closer, the mouth under his opening with a soft moan. Kaidan’s hands came up to cradle Shepard’s face, bringing his tongue out to swipe at the man’s bottom lip. Shepard’s hand buried in Kaidan’s hair, fingers digging delicious points of pressure into his scalp, drawing a gasp from him, and after a moment Kaidan became aware that both of Shepard’s hands were shaking slightly. 

It almost felt like, if he kissed too hard, Shepard would shatter or disappear, but he wanted to show the man he was here, and he wasn’t going anywhere. Kaidan tilted his head back away from Shepard’s as the man followed, a broken noise catching in his throat. The fingers in his hair curled, the arm around his waist tensing, attempting to pull him closer. Kaidan let out a strangled laugh. “Hey-hey, I don’t want to hurt you,” he gasped against Shepard’s lips, barely restraining himself from thrusting his hips forward. 

In a move that had Kaidan’s head spinning, not just from lack of oxygen, Shepard reversed their positions, his body a hard line against Kaidan’s front, the railing now digging into his lower back. “I’m not made of glass, Kaidan,” Shepard growled, making an effort to get as close as physically possible to the sentinel, their hips grinding together and heat spreading across Kaidan’s body, a flush creeping down his neck as he gasped for air. His hands instinctively moved to Shepard’s ass, fingers hooking in his back pockets to pull him closer for more of that delicious pressure. 

A series of pings brought them both harshly back to reality. Shepard let his head fall to Kaidan’s shoulder with a quiet curse, making him laugh softly. “Got a job to do, Commander,” he said after a long moment. The man pulled away with a groan, hand coming down to adjust the obviously uncomfortable predicament in his pants, and Kaidan shifted to the side as he moved to the console, activating his omni-tool to transfer the collected data. Kaidan took several slow breaths, pressing his hands to his face briefly to try and ease the burning in his cheeks. Shepard finished with the data and turned to give him one last kiss. A promise. _Later_. They had a job to do now. 

~ ~ ~ ~ 

The first terminals were easy enough to shut down with the help of Noles. The information the C-Sec officer gathered from them had Kaidan in a seething rage by the time they got to the last one. The refugee deck was loud and crowded. As they made their way to the final terminal, Kaidan caught sight of the Lieutenant from Shepard’s crew playing cards with several refugees as they neared the back corner of the docking bay. 

Kaidan brought up the display, as Shepard watched, and commed Noles. “This is where the last access code was used.” There was a hiss of static in both their comms that made Kaidan flinch. 

“What was that? I’m losing your signal.” 

The sound of a pistol expanding made them both freeze. Facing the console, there was no way to know where the gun was pointed, who was pointing it. They had no advantage, all they could do was wait. “Shepard.” 

Kaidan’s stomach dropped. He knew that voice. It was an old memory, one that had started to fade, and he couldn’t quite place it, but it left him feeling sick. 

“Balak.” Shepard’s voice was filled with rage as a sound came from behind them, the batarian nearly responsible for the decimation of Terra Nova moving closer. 

“You should have killed me on that asteroid over Terra Nova. I’ve been waiting for this.” Balak’s voice was filled with rage. “Everything that has happened to my people is your fault and you just don’t stay dead, guess I’ll have to make sure you do this time.” 

_There’s not going to be a ‘this time.’_ Blue flared around Kaidan’s fists as he turned, hitting the batarian with a lift. The gun clattered to the ground, having fallen from the Balak’s now lax fingers. Kaidan saw Shepard move forward to grab the gun out of the corner of his eye, but he kept his attention on Balak, watching him struggle against the dark energy encompassing him. That's when he noticed them. 

Yellow markings. The same as the batarian that had nearly crashed into Lieutenant Vega in the hospital. “Enough, Kaidan, put him down.” 

Kaidan gritted his teeth and shook his head, causing Shepard to grab his wrist, fingers tight, blue waves flickering up his arm as his biotics reacted to the sentinel’s. 

“Shepard, he was there. In the hospital, when you crashed.” Kaidan’s voice was shaking, but he was putting more effort into trying to keep himself from crushing the bastard to death then keeping his voice steady. “He _killed you_ , Shepard.” His voice cracked painfully and Shepard tugged softly at his wrist, making him meet his eyes. The man’s expression spoke volumes, a mix between The Commander and something gentler, something Kaidan hadn’t seen much of but could certainly get used to. Something that said “trust me.” 

Kaidan took a deep breath, and deactivated his biotics. Unprepared for the sudden increase of gravity, Balak crashed to the floor on his back. Shepard stepped forward, pistol trained on the batarian as he looked up with a nasty grin. 

“Looks like you still have one of your pets with you, after all these years.” 

“You poisoned me for Terra Nova, after all this time?” Shepard spoke over him, voice calm, but Kaidan could see his hand clenching into a fist at his side. He walked up to stand beside him, glaring down at the batarian. “After you ruined my plans, my government accelerated research efforts on the Leviathan of Dis! Have you heard of it, Commander?” Balak snarled, his eyes narrowed, continuing before Shepard could reply. “An ancient organic dreadnaught my people recovered from Jartar 20 years ago. Sound familiar?” 

“A Reaper,” Shepard breathed, his eyebrows drawn together in saddened understanding. “Your people were studying a reaper corpse.” 

Balak nodded. “Yes, looking for a way to reclaim our place as the true power of the galaxy.” Kaidan held back a shudder at the thought. “Hundreds of our best scientists were enlisted...” 

“And then they became indoctrinated.” 

Balak’s expression had shifted from hate to a profound sadness still kindled with the rage of revenge. “When the Reapers reached Khar’shan our people betrayed us. Defence grids were deactivated. Ships fired on allied targets. We were destroyed from within... because of you.” 

Kaidan watched guilt flicker across Shepard’s face before it was shoved aside. “I didn’t destroy your people, Balak. The Reapers did that.” 

The batarian scoffed. “We were a proud race, a beautiful race! Have you seen what the Reapers have done to us?” He threw out an arm, gesturing at the area behind them, taking in the entire refugee camp, his voice building with desperation. “Our warships only know the locations of Reaper forces because I’ve tapped Council transmissions. I am the highest ranking military officer left in the Hegemony!” Balak paused to take a breath, his voice full of renewed anger when he continued. “I can't save my people. But I saw an opportunity to avenge the ones you murdered so I took it.” 

“Maybe you should have thought of a better strategy than attempting to poison me in a hospital, Balak,” Shepard snapped before taking a calming breath. “Though I have to ask, with all the doctors around, how did you do it?” 

Balak let out a harsh laugh, “When trying to save someone’s life the doctors apparently only check to make sure they grabbed medigel for the right species, they don’t seem to care if anything’s been done to it.” 

Shepard narrowed his eyes, but didn’t question any further. There was silence for a moment as the men glared at each other. Finally, he seemed to reach a decision. “The people in the Bahak system would have died anyway when the Reapers showed up, even if I had been able to warn them. You _know_ that.” Shepard handed the gun to Kaidan and stepped forward, crouching down so he was at eye level with Balak. “I’ve united the Krogan and the Turians. All of us together are the best hope for this galaxy and if you care about your people...” He trailed off, letting Balak come up with his own nightmare of what could happen if he refused the offer. After several tense moments, the batarian gave a small nod. Shepard stood, and they both watched as Balak pulled himself to his feet. 

“Our ships are yours,” he snarled, giving them one last glare before turning and storming off, nearly colliding with Noles as she came rushing up. 

“Are you two alright?” she asked, her expression worried. Kaidan opened his mouth to reply but Shepard beat him to it. 

“We’re fine. You won’t have any more troubles with that code.” 

Realization dawned in green eyes and Noles glanced behind her at Balak’s retreating back. “Was that.... Do you want me to arrest him?” 

Kaidan wanted her to do many things but settled for the simplest. “I want you to put a bullet in his head,-” 

A hand rested on the small of his back and Shepard interrupted him, voice tight. “But we’re all making some sacrifices today. Let him go, Spectre authority.” 

Noles glanced between the two of them, before nodding and turning to leave. “Understood, and thanks.” They watched her walk off in silence. Shepard’s arm slid around Kaidan’s waist and he turned to look at the man, raising a questioning eyebrow. 

“Well, I think I’ve had enough of Citadel politics for a while,” Shepard murmured and Kaidan felt a laugh escape him. “What?” 

“Sometimes I wonder how you do it. I mean, Shepard, he tried to kill you yesterday, and you just talked him into helping us.” He shook his head in wonder. “I would have killed him.” 

“Enough batarians have died because of this war.” Shepard’s voice was quiet, filled with a dark emotion Kaidan didn’t like. “Because of me.” 

He turned toward Shepard, catching the poorly hidden sadness present in those cerulean eyes, and pulled him into a hug, a hand guiding Shepard’s head to his shoulder, giving him a few moments to hide from his responsibilities. He felt a shaking breath pulse across his neck and closed his eyes, pulling the man closer. 

A not so subtle cough had Kaidan turning his head. Vega stood a ways away, thick arms crossed over a broad chest, face serious. Shepard attempted to pull back but Kaidan didn’t let him go, he settled with looking over Kaidan’s shoulder and shooting the marine a wry grin. 

“I don’t even know what to think about you two, Loco,” Vega said after a long moment, the lightness of his voice belying the serious expression on his face. 

Shepard snorted into Kaidan’s shoulder, fingers tightening against his side. “You trusted me this far James, don’t lose faith in me now.” 

Vega let out a short laugh, hands falling to his side, “You’re nuts, I mean, I should’ve seen this coming.” He shook his head, a grin on his face. “Don’t worry Loco, I got your back, just maybe not as well as him.” 

Shepard let out a loud laugh, “Get back to your poker game James, better start earning those credits back.” “Hey! I’m not that bad, _pendejo_ ,” Vega protested, turning around to return to his game. 

They both watched him for a moment, silently, before Kaidan heard a sigh escape Shepard. He turned his head, pressing his nose against the vanguard’s temple. “Let’s get out of here Shep, get your mind off things.” 

“I like how you think, Kaidan.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Kaidan finally gets what he wants, but he has a hard time understanding it at first.

Several minutes later they found themselves in the captain's cabin, nerves flooding in alongside Kaidan’s excitement. Shepard left Kaidan at the door, moving to his desk to pull out a bottle of rum, the name of the label making Kaidan whistle softly. “You trying to impress me, Shepard?”

Shepard gave him a quick grin, pulling out two glasses and heading for the couch. “Steve managed to find this among the supply chains, told me to wait for a special occasion. This seems appropriate.” 

Kaidan had no idea who Steve was but he made a mental note to find out and thank him. For now, he tried to occupy himself with examining Shepard’s cabin. 

It was cleaner, bigger by far than the captain's quarters of the SR-1, and far more commanding. The fish tank Joker had mentioned took up half of one wall, and figurine ships decorated the area around the desk. Kaidan busied himself with inspecting the trinkets rather than focussing on his anxiousness. 

He was in Shepard's quarters. Shepard was pouring them drinks. A promise of _relaxation_ hung in the air. Kaidan was half-hard just thinking about it, but still his nerves persisted. 

Finally moving to the couch, he sat a distance away from Shepard and took the tumbler of dark liquid the man handed him, taking a large gulp. His eyes watered slightly as he swallowed the harsh liquid, throat burning, but the slightly sweet aftertaste had him bringing up the glass to finish off the drink. 

Warm fingers took the now empty tumbler and Kaidan distantly heard it being set on the table before the hand was back, tangling in his hair, encouraging him to turn towards its owner. Lips, warmer than the fingers brushing across his neck, caught his as he opened his mouth to say... something, he just wasn’t sure what anymore. 

The distraction was welcome, almost enough to pull him from his thoughts as Shepard moved closer, his knee bumping against Kaidan’s and the new contact had him pulling back. The sight of the concerned and slightly hurt gaze had all of Kaidan’s nerves and doubts rushing forward. 

“Shepard, what are we... Are we really doing this?” His breath was ragged as he tried to get the words out. The hand that had come to curl around the back of his neck fell away as Shepard leaned back, a look of confusion on his face. “I mean...” he shook his head, failing to find the words he needed. But it was only a second before Shepard seemed to understand; a small smile crept onto Shepard’s face and he leaned back in, closer this time. 

“Yeah Kaidan, we’re really doing this.” The words were spoken directly against his lips as Shepard slotted their mouths together again. Kaidan moaned into the kiss as the words washed over him, and he slid his hands up Shepard’s body, one stopping to curl into the soft fabric of his hoodie, the other working its way up to trace the nearly invisible scar at the base of the vanguard’s skull. 

The man shuddered, a whimper escaping him as he pressed his head back against Kaidan’s questing fingers while simultaneously shifting his hips closer. Kaidan started with surprise when Shepard swung his leg over Kaidan’s hips, shifting to settle on the sentinel’s lap. 

His hand that had been tangled in the hoodie fell to Shepard’s hip and Kaidan broke away with a gasp. “Careful Shepard, you’re still hurt.” 

Shepard snorted as he nosed his way down Kaidan’s neck, forcing him to tilt his head back. “You really think Michel would have released me if I wasn’t healed enough to be ready for action?” He spoke into the dip between Kaidan’s neck and shoulder, rocking his hips forward, drawing a loud groan from Kaidan. 

“But this....” He broke off with a gasp as Shepard shifted forward a second time. He tried again, scraping together what fragments of coherence he could find. “This isn’t action, John. This is us.” His voiced wavered dangerously and Shepard stilled for a moment before pulling back. The smile was still present but his eyes were concerned. 

“Well, I was hoping to get some action tonight.” He brought a hand up to stroke Kaidan’s cheek. “I’m _fine_ , Kaidan. I’ve done a lot more with worse wounds. And I’m almost all healed up. It’s practically just a scratch now.” 

“But you--” 

Shepard leaned back suddenly, causing Kaidan to bring his other hand to his hip to steady him. He watched as Shepard pulled both his hoodie and shirt up his chest, revealing the clean bandages. Without ceremony he grabbed an edge of the bandage and peeled it off. There was a scratch, just like Shepard had said, but the bruise made Kaidan’s breath catch. Dark purple and red stretched up his side onto his ribs, fading into a rather repulsive looking yellow around the edges. Swallowing, he ghosted his fingers over it. “Shepard, I don’t--” 

Shepard silenced him with another kiss, tongue working to distract Kaidan from his thoughts. His hand left the fabric of his shirt and came up to join the one already threading through Kaidan’s hair, using the grip to steady himself as he rocked his hips forward again. Kaidan’s eyes slid shut as Shepard ground against him, their growing arousals catching against each other, still trapped by their clothing. Shepard’s hand trailed down his neck, fingers tracing along the cords of muscle and curling under his collar. With a soft growl Shepard pulled back, both hands moving to the clasp on Kaidan’s shirt, undoing it before moving to the top button. 

Kaidan put a hand on Shepard’s chest, the other coming up to grasp the fingers working on undoing the buttons. Shepard let loose a groan but this time it was one tinged with frustration as he raised an eyebrow at him. Kaidan opened his mouth to say something, anything, but nothing came to mind. 

With a sigh, Shepard let his forehead fall forward to rest against Kaidan’s, making no attempt to kiss him this time. “Alright, what’s really wrong?” 

Kaidan shook his head. “It’s... It’s nothing Shepard, nothing’s wrong, it’s just...” Shepard pulled away and looked down, hurt. 

“Alright... look, if this is going too fast, I understand. I just didn’t want to waste any more time. But I don’t want to push you into anything, either.” 

“I just can’t wrap my head around this.” Shepard brought his gaze back up to meet Kaidan’s hesitantly, doubt still present in his eyes. “Why would you want to be with me after all I’ve done?” 

Shepard’s eyes widened and the small smile curled back at the edge of his mouth and his voice was warm when he finally spoke. “When you shot me, it was the worst thing I’d ever been through, not because I’d been shot, but because you didn’t trust me.” Kaidan sucked in a harsh breath but Shepard brought a hand up, fingers covering his mouth, keeping him from speaking. “But then you turned around and shot Udina, and I knew. I knew I still had a chance and I wasn’t going to waste it.” Shepard paused, bringing his other hand up to frame Kaidan’s face, keeping him from looking away. “I’m _not_ going to waste this, Kaidan. Making it more complicated in times like this doesn’t do us any favors, so I’m simplifying it. I want you. I think you want me too.” 

It hit Kaidan then, this, _this_ thing they had going, this could be real. Even after everything he had done, Shepard still wanted this as much as he did. They could do this. The realization had Kaidan’s nerves solidifying into resolve, and a kind of happiness and warmth he had never known existed. He reached out, hands settling on Shepard’s hips, pulling the man back towards him, matching the grin that suddenly broke across his face. He let out a strangled moan as Shepard settled back onto his lap, mouthing along Kaidan’s jaw, teeth nipping, aiming for areas that made him squirm. 

After several minutes of reveling in their newfound closeness, Kaidan decided to step it up a notch. Shepard gave a sharp gasp as the sentinel activated his biotics, and his breath hitched when Shepard’s eyes flared an intense blue as his biotics reacted to Kaidan’s. He hooked his hands under the vanguard’s thighs, earning a loud laugh from him as he stood and carried the man over to the bed. He pushed him backwards onto the bed, cushioning his fall with a layer of pulsing blue; the grin Shepard gave him had a flush crawling up his neck and his chest tightening with a teenager-like giddiness. 

Shepard propped himself up on his elbows, legs sprawling open, making Kaidan lick his lips. He took a deep breath before following, moving to settle over Shepard, bringing their mouths together in another kiss. The smile hadn’t faded; Kaidan could feel it against his mouth as they moved against each other, Shepard laughing breathlessly. The vanguard rocked his hips upward, hard cock grazing against Kaidan's own through their trousers, and Kaidan was left gasping around the man's tongue. 

After several minutes, Shepard pulled back to focus on unbuttoning Kaidan’s shirt. He dropped his eyes to the scarred hands working on the clasps of his uniform. His own hands made their way to the zipper of Shepard’s hoodie, pulling it down and trying to push it off the vanguard’s shoulders. It got stuck, earning a frustrated growl from Shepard as the material got caught underneath him. He let loose a full body wiggle that had Kaidan fighting back laughter as Shepard worked to get rid of his shirt as well. He sent Kaidan an amused glare as a snort of laughter escaped him. He threw the shirt and hoodie over Kaidan’s shoulder before pulling him down, ravishing his mouth, and Kaidan buck his hips against Shepard’s, making them both moan against each other’s into the kiss. Kaidan slowly worked his way down Shepard’s neck, paying close attention to the places that made him gasp and writhe. 

“You have no idea,” Shepard gasped as his arousal brushed against Kaidan’s thigh, “how long I’ve been wanting this.” 

“You and me both, John.” He listened as Shepard let out a loud moan, focusing on leaving a mark, something that said _mine_. When he leaned back, the mark stood out against pale skin on Shepard’s collar bone. 

Shepard watched him with hooded eyes as he moved back in, mouthing his way down Shepard’s chest. “I like it when you call me John,” he breathed, letting his head fall back onto the pillows. Kaidan smiled around Shepard’s nipple before moving to the other, wringing a loan moan from the man. A hand slid into his hair, fingers stroking against the amp port at the base of his skull, making Kaidan let loose a whine against Shepard’s sternum. His other hand came up to grasp Kaidan’s bicep, attempting to center them both. 

Kaidan moved down Shepard’s stomach, hands ghosting down his sides, making him shudder. He hooked his fingers into the hem of the vanguard’s jeans, deftly undoing the button and sliding the zipper down. He pressed his hands against the hot skin, sliding them around Shepard’s hips, thumbs caressing his hip bones before his fingers curled into the warm curves of his ass. He slid his hands down Shepard’s sculpted thighs, pulling his jeans down past his knees, then drew back to give Shepard room to kick them off along with his shoes. 

He moved back up Shepard’s body, giving the man one last kiss before sitting up, fingers working to unzip his shirt. He tossed the top half of his uniform in the same direction Shepard had thrown his own shirt, hands slowing down as he started to work on his pants. As he unbuckled them he sent Shepard a sly grin, slowly pushing the pants over his hips. Shepard’s mouth was open, eyes intense as they followed Kaidan’s movements. 

With his pants off, Kaidan crawled onto the bed, laughing as Shepard immediately hooked a leg around his and flipped them over, pinning the sentinel to the mattress. A hand came up to tangle in his hair, fingertips teasing the sensitive skin around the amp, making Kaidan thrust his hips up into Shepard’s, both of them moaning as their hard cocks brushed against each other’s. Kaidan hooked his leg behind Shepard’s knee, seeking more friction, and let out a whine when the vanguard pulled away, leaning over to rummage through his nightstand. 

Kaidan blinked as Shepard leaned back over him and offered him a bottle of lube. “You want me to….” He trailed off as nerves came rushing back and smiled as Shepard nodded, trust and want mingling in those blue eyes. Glancing at the bottle, he noticed it was unopened, and gave Shepard a meaningful look. The man shrugged, trailing his fingers over Kaidan’s collarbone. 

“Never really had the time, what with saving the galaxy,” he said softly. 

“That doesn’t make it a good thing, Shepard,” he murmured. Kaidan wasn’t fond of the idea of Shepard being with someone else during his time with Cerberus--or ever, he realized--but with all he had been through, he deserved some relief, however fleeting. 

Leaning back against the pillows, he opened the bottle and poured the liquid over his fingers. He paused for a moment, letting it warm against his skin, before bringing them back to trail along the cleft of Shepard’s ass. He nearly got lost in the view as Shepard tilted his head back, lithe body tense with anticipation where he kneeled above Kaidan, his bliss was somewhat muted as his eyes traveled down Shepard’s body; the bruise looked almost like a shadow from this angle but he knew it was there. He brought his hand up, palm settling lightly over the center of the discoloration. “Shepard, are you sure this is okay?” he asked, tilting his head to indicate their position. Shepard looked down, analyzing their bodies for a long moment, but then he was pressing back against Kaidan’s the fingers near his entrance, a silent request, and Kaidan knew it was okay. 

Shepard let out a shuddering breath as Kaidan let his fingers circle his entrance, gasping softly as he pushed a single finger in, stretching Shepard as gently as he could. A sharp nip to his neck had him pulling out, coating his fingers again, and returning with two. Shepard let out a huff as he scissored and twisted them, curling them in an attempt to make Shepard writhe. 

“ _Fuck._ ” Hot breath exploded across his collarbone before teeth dug in, making Kaidan arch his neck into the sting. They both stilled, breathing deep for several long seconds, before Kaidan added a third finger, twisting them. 

Shepard’s hand flailed, reaching out for the abandoned bottle on the sheets and flicking the cap open. He nearly dropped the bottle as he poured the slick liquid into the palm of his hand before shutting the cap shut and tossing it onto the pillow, kneeling up and reaching back. Kaidan twitched as the cold liquid dripped from the vanguard’s hand to his stomach but groaned as Shepard wrapped a sure hand around the sentinel’s erection, coating it. 

Kaidan waited until Shepard was rocking down onto his fingers, whines catching in his throat, to slide his free hand up around his own erection, guiding it to Shepard’s entrance. Removing his fingers, he dragged Shepard down onto his cock, moaning as tight heat slowly surrounded him. Both of his hands came to rest on Shepard’s hips, controlling his movement as he sank down. Shepard’s eyes were closed, head dropped forward as he took long, slow breaths. Kaidan trailed a hand up Shepard’s side, attempting to memorize the feel of the man around him and at the tips of his fingers. 

He thrust up slowly, allowing Shepard to adjust, allowing them both several moments to just _feel_. He felt Shepard’s skin, letting his hands wander, one sliding along Shepard’s thigh as the other trailing upward to give a hard pinch to one magnificent nipple between thumb and forefinger. Shepard gasped and dropped forward, planting his hands on either side of Kaidan’s head. “Didn’t know you like it rough, Major,” Shepard growled in his ear, before sinking his teeth into Kaidan’s shoulder. Kaidan jerked against the pain mixed with pleasure, thrusting upward involuntarily. Shepard was moaning, and then he was kissing Kaidan, and when his tongue worked its way into the sentinel’s mouth he began rocking his hips. 

“Oh, jesus, John...” Kaidan gasped into the kiss, and Shepard took mercy, pulling away to let him catch his breath. He pushed himself upright and sat there, looking down at Kaidan with love in his eyes. 

“Call me that again.” 

It took him a moment to understand, but Kaidan was too out of his head to disobey. Besides, he liked how it felt in his mouth. “John.” 

Shepard’s eyes fell shut and he inhaled shakily. Kaidan tilted his hips, hoping to get Shepard to gasp for a whole other reason. 

Hitting the spot. Just, _there._

Shepard moaned loudly, splaying a hand on Kaidan's chest as he rocked forward, blue shimmering around his fingers, spreading across Kaidan's chest until it encompassed both of them completely. Kaidan curled his fingers around Shepard’s bicep, watching as the dark energy flared brighter at their points of contact. He pulled Shepard down again, gasping as the vanguard’s corona flared, bright across his entire body now, strong enough he could taste it, the familiar tang of ozone mixed with a surprising bite of citrus. He wanted another taste and turned his focus to making sure he hit that spot with every thrust. The only sound in the cabin became the slap of flesh against flesh and broken moans mingling with harsh gasps. 

Shepard’s other hand, the one still slick with lube, moved to his own dick, working it with efficient strokes. He shuddered as he twisted his wrist, leaning down to catch Kaidan’s mouth in a messy kiss, their breath becoming uneven and their rhythm faltering. 

“Oh, fuck Kaid, I’m gonna....” Shepard gasped, hand fisting his cock with hard strokes. 

“Let me see you, John,” Kaidan breathed, thrusting his hips up harder, drawing a broken sob from the trembling man above him. He was beautiful, as taken apart as he was now; Kaidan couldn’t wait to see him crumble. 

And he did. Kaidan watched in awe as Shepard’s head tipped back, mouth open in a silent scream, blue crackling and pulsing across his skin as he came, clenching around Kaidan and bringing him crashing down after him, blue flickering at the edges of his own blurred vision. Shepard’s arms finally gave out and he collapsed against Kaidan’s heaving chest, nose pressed against his still racing pulse. The silence was comforting as Kaidan trailed his fingers over Shepard’s shoulder. 

As he felt the vanguard’s breath even out and a smile spread across his face, his thoughts strayed to earlier and how he had been so unsure coming up to Shepard’s cabin. It was a feeling he had gotten used to over the years he hadn’t been working under Shepard’s command, that uncertainty about every decision he made on or off the field. The feeling had slowly been replaced as they made love, companionship and trust slowly chasing the doubt away. As he gazed down at the man in his arms, a thought crossed his mind. No matter how bad this war got, no matter what happened in the end, he’d never have to worry because they would be fighting together. Until the end. 

_Fin._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, there's that. Hope you guys enjoyed. Guess I better start working on those other stories now. Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

>  _Mulo_ \- mule/impotent male  
>  _Cabrón_ \- bastard  
>  _Chilito_ \- little dick  
>  _Te matará!_ \- I’m gonna kill you
> 
> ~~~  
> Special thanks to [ theprosefool ](http://archiveofourown.org/users/theprosefool/pseuds/theprosefool) who seriously helped me along with this. Thanks love!


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